CONTENT WARNING: talk of suicidal thoughts and plans
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Today I want to talk about my injury and the toll it took on me and my family before I had surgery. By sharing my experience I’m hoping we can start a conversation around mental health and help each other find help earlier than what I did.

How did I get to that night?

In March last year, I attended a patient with drug induced psychosis in a public place. Being filmed by the public certainly didn’t help her paranoia. During this job I injured my lower back and by the end of that night shift my left foot was numb and the pain in my back and down my left leg was increasing.

I had a herniated L5/S1 disc with left nerve compression. Like most people in pain, medication was trial and error, stepping up the lyrica and other meds to find the sweet spot where I could still function was key.

My neurosurgeon explained to me surgery was my best option or I could end up with long term impairment in my left leg and ongoing pain. At 32 it was devastating to not only have a serious back injury but that I need surgery. The surgeon reassured me I would be back to my old self provided I followed my recovery plan post op including lifting restrictions. My amazing wife and I started planning how to look after the kids (3 and 1) when I couldn’t.

Prior to surgery I couldn’t walk 20 metres without pain. I couldn’t sit or stand for more than a few minutes without intense pain. There were days when no position was comfortable, not even laying flat. I lost my coping mechanism: trail running.

I was on Lyrica, mersyndol and Voltarin forte but it took a while to get to the sweet spot: Pain management and ability to function. This was after some very bad days and the constant roller coaster of pain management. It was a nightmare. I felt spaced out most of the day with this combo and my memory was shot. I also had a short temper with my family which they didn’t deserve.

Financial stress was kicking in due to losing 1/3 of my pay being on workers comp. My wife’s parents moved in not long after the injury and so between them and my amazing wife the family was being cared for. I didn’t have much left to give by the end of each day.

I had also lost part of my identity as a paramedic and I started to feel worthless. I felt like I was a burden on my family and they’d be better off without me. I couldn’t play with my kids like I used to and had to constantly say no. I feel like my daughter (3) did a bit of growing up that she shouldn’t have had to do.

While waiting for surgery to be approved by the workers comp insurer, my head started to spiral. Thoughts of worthlessness increased. I must have had insight the Sunday things escalated for me because I emailed our wonderful psychologist at work to book in an appointment.

The night that almost killed me

Our daughter was a typical 3 year old. Missing mum who was working more and not wanting to lay down to go to sleep. It was a fight and I was getting frustrated. I was in pain and I just needed her to lay down.

We try our best to explain everything and talk about our feelings with the kids but as most parents know, it’s very hard some times.

Once I had taken a few deep breaths, I asked Asher how her heart was feeling. “Sad” she replied. So I asked her why she was feeling sad.

“I just want things to go back to the way they were”

This broke my heart. “I do too kiddo” I said as I started to cry.

This was the first time I had cried in a very long time. The job conditions you to hold emotions back to function properly. More on this in later posts though.

It kinda felt good to cry but I stopped myself pretty quickly.

Asher eventually fell asleep on the lounge and I carried her into bed. I sat on the lounge feeling angry. Not at anyone but just about the situation. I didn’t see an end in sight. I had this expectation my surgery would be denied and there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I saw myself as the problem becuase I was becoming a bigger burden on my family.

“They’d be better off without me!” I was thinking. My mind was spiralling and there was no escape.

I planned to die by suicide. I thought at the time it would be easier on my family.

Oh how I was wrong.

I got lucky that night. I like to plan things out properly, so I ended up laying in bed next to my sleeping wife on my phone seeing what I was worth to my family dead so they could ‘get over the heartache’ by having a better lifestyle.

If I didn’t lay in bed to do my planning that night I don’t think I would be here today. I ended up falling asleep.

My wife and family had no idea what was going through my head that night until after I saw the psychologist. Most still won’t know unless they read this.

What is important is that I woke up feeling much better. My mood was still low but I didn’t have that need to die by suicide anymore. I still felt like a burden but I knew my family wouldn’t recover from my suicide. It’s not to say I didn’t still feel suicidal but I never reached that point again.

What I didn’t like though was the feeling of shame I had for having those thoughts. Ashamed that I was prepared to die by suicide. It’s why it took a while to tell my wife exactly what was running through my head. It was awkward but it also brought a lot of relief for her to know where my head was.

Where I am now?

I am now back on road and my back is amazing. My mental health improved after that night but unfortunately once you’re ‘bitten by the black dog’ it seems to pop up every now and then. The past few months have been incredibly tough as I navigate going back to operational duties and some external issues that have been waiting to bite me on the bum for a while.

I am now on antidepressants which are working a treat and seeing a psychologist regularly. I’m on a path of healing at the moment which is enjoyable for the fact I can start to see my future again.

I have a wonderful wife and family. We talk about our moods and feelings. We certainly don’t get it right all the time but it definitely helps. The support I have received from so many people has also helped me get to this point.

I hope the people who have taken the time to read this understand mental health and suicide can touch anyone at any point in their lives. We don’t know what others are going through. Kindness and love can go a long way.

Thank you for reading my story and feel free to share it with your friends and family. I am in a position where i am comfortable talking to people about my experiences. Let’s destroy the stigma around mental health together.