Four and a half years ago when I started in antidepressants, I never thought this time would come. I had accepted the fact that I may be on medication for life because it meant I could function and stay safe. Between Sertraline (Zoloft) and regular psychology sessions, my mental health slowly improved, and those nasty intrusive thoughts were easier to manage.

This year I started to contemplate either reducing my dose or weaning off all together. But as life would have it, there were so many hurdles in the way and unfortunately plenty of life challenges. It just wasn’t a good time.

Fast forward to the start of September and I think I’m ready. My GP came up with a gradual and safe plan alternating doses per day for a few weeks at a time until I’m on the smallest dose and then nothing. I’m now down to 50mg daily from 200mg. I can’t say it’s been easy but it’s going to be worth it for me.

There have been the odd day where I’ve been really flat, the odd day with intrusive thoughts and the odd day with physical symptoms related to withdrawals. Still worth it. I’m much more in tune with my body and mind than I was four years ago and that’s largely thanks to sertraline. It was another good tool to get me through some difficult times.

What tools are in my toolbox?

• Thought challenging
  • Challenging those negative/intrusive thoughts consciously by listing the for and against. Almost always, the thought is not accurate but just the way I manifest them.
  • I can then rejig that negative thought into a positive action or thought
  • This has taken a lot of practice with my psychologists and is not always easy. The key for me is to recognise the negative thought early and challenge it immediately.
• Practice mindfulness
  • Attempt daily mindfulness practice while understanding it’s not always possible.
• Utilise discreet fidgets again
  • I haven’t used fidgets for a while but I can already see myself becoming more fidgety
  • I’m not necessarily more anxious but I think my body just feels a little more normal for me as the dose reduces.
• Food journal
  • My binge eating has always been an issue and it brings with it shame and guilt.
  • By keeping a diary around my emotional eating, I can manage those symptoms and give myself some insight into how tired, stressed or anxious I’m feeling. Unfortunately I normally turn to food in those situations.
• Running/exercise
  • Motivation for running has been hard this year.
  • Running allows me to practice mindfulness/meditation techniques while understanding stress.
  • It allows me to recognise the signs early when under stress not exercising.
• Being thankful for something positive in my life each day.
  • No matter how I’m feeling, there’s normally something to be thankful for. Even if it’s small.
  • A daily reminder of something good in my life will give me perspective.
• Connection
  • Keep connection with my friends and family.

This is certainly not all the tools but some of the ones I use daily to keep my mind and body healthy.

For me, I know have to be a little bit more careful around my intrusive thoughts. I need to make sure I recognise the early warning signs around thoughts of suicide and self harm but with the support network around me I’m more likely to seek help early.

I may also need medication again in the future and that’s ok. There’s no point rejecting the tools available to me if I need them. I do want to enjoy any amount of time I have without antidepressants though.

The key to this story is that while medication can be an important part of treatment, it doesn’t have to be forever provided it’s done safely with your doctor and psychologist. Utilise all the health professionals in your corner and if it’s something you want to do, talk to them about it. It might not be the right time for you, but it doesn’t mean you can’t ask again when the time is right.